Thomas Edison, you lump
of dog shit left directly
under a rack of those
free green courtesy poop
bags they leave in
parks, you brazen mockery,
flaunting of social
order, when you invented
electricity, or
whatever it is you did,
(I only read the first
paragraph on Wikipedia)
did you realize it
would come to this?
Thomas Edison, you
putrescent butt nugget!
Thanks to you I have to
bite my tongue
while my male friends
study up on current
post-feminist rhetoric so
that they can post
it on Facebook and
hopefully get laid
for their sensitivity
and intellect.
The point is, you’re a
damn enabler
of the basest aspects
of human existence,
a vicious circle of ignorance
born of you,
Thomas Edison, you fecal
smear,
this is all your fault,
we are blameless!
Thomas Edison, you
bucket of urine balanced
on a door such that it
crashes down to drench
whomsoever should enter
said door with pee—
how could you? An
Internet radio program
just told me Sublime
sounds like The Beatles.
That’s wrong, Thomas
Edison! Am I
going crazy over here,
you electric prick?
Thomas Edison, there’s
a reason Prometheus
stands chained to a
rock getting his liver pecked at,
is all I’m saying. I
don’t know what the reason
is, why don’t you look
it up on Microsoft Encarta
or some other outcome
of your vile handiwork?
Thomas Edison, you
dropped out of school,
and I didn’t, I went to
college for four whole
years, and I drank and
drank and drank there,
and that’s called learning
about life, Thomas
Edison, we call that letting
our children make
their own mistakes, and
waste time, money,
brain cells, potential,
autonomy.
I’m smarter than you,
is the point.
Fuck you, Thomas Edison.
