Based on a true story
Guy has a really
incredible bowel movement, and when I say guy there, it’s just a guy, not the
name, and definitely not the French name, like capital-hard-G “Gee”, what is
he, a queer or something? So guy, whose name incidentally is actually Guy now
that I think about it, but pronounced the English way and earlier clarification
still stands, has the kind of magical shit where it’s firm but not to the point
where you have to strain, and you basically don’t have to wipe like at all, and
the experience of passing this lump of waste is so religious, so profoundly
moving, that you practically get post-partum depression, but it gets the rest
of your day in order, you know, like you think you’re going to go out and do
something great, like you think if everybody could have pooped your poop this
morning that maybe Israel and Palestine could even get along or something like
that.
Anyway.
Guy (who’s an atheist,
by the way, not that it’s particularly relevant to this situation) says: Thank
you God for this really incredible bowel movement!
God says: My child, I
am gladdened that you were able to enjoy that poop. I myself am too holy to
have an asshole, which is a vaguely amusing audible pun, but anyway I’m glad I
was able to devise that function in a way you could enjoy.
Guy says: So God, what
brings you to my, like, humble commode?
God says: Well, I so
enjoyed seeing the positive effects of my works that I’m going to give you the
chance to ask me for any one thing you may desire.
So I can already
practically hear you whining about how God doesn’t grant wishes, he’s not a
genie or something, and I guess you have a point, but like I said, this is
based on a true story, and that’s definitely what was said, and since this is
like really a third or fourth-hand account at this point, as in guy tells a guy
tells a guy tells a guy (oh, and those guys I just mentioned aren’t named Guy,
and they’re not the earlier guy from the story either), so maybe it really was
a genie and it just got changed along the way, like oral tradition or
something. If you can’t get past it, fine, you can think of it as a genie if
you want, but that’s exactly how these errors start to pop up in stories that
keep getting passed down, you know.
So Guy says: You know
what, God? I’m actually all right for the time being. That poop was wonderful,
and to ask for anything else would be greedy.
I guess that might seem
unrealistically unselfish, but it was a really great turd, see above florid
description if you doubt the veracity of the claim. Anyway, I guess that’s the
point, is that life really isn’t so bad if you, like, stop to smell the roses,
which I realize is an unfortunate choice of sense-based moral given the
somewhat malodorous implications of the above, but what can you do? That’s
life, I guess.
